Archive for July, 2007

CAT ATONIA

July 27, 2007

Was amused at the story in the Chron and all over the Net today about Oscar, the cat in the Rhode Island nursing home who can evidently sense when someone is going to die soon. Oscar hangs around a given patient/resident and within a few hours, adios. The speculation is that Goodbye Kitty isn’t some weird paranormal phenomenon but merely a cat with an uncommon physiological ability to detect some scent that precedes demise.

If so, one wonders whether, hundreds of years ago somewhere, a black cat with this facility during a brief localized epidemic sat with a succession of villagers who promptly cashed in, thereby sparking the whole black-cats-and-witchcraft-and-deviltry superstition.

Coincidentally, Scout, our gregarious yellow Lab, has an uncanny ability to sense and be attracted to those persons who grow loudly indignant when an animal throws up on their shoes.

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A GAME THE WHOLE FAMILY CAN PLAY. ASSUMING EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY IS 40 OR OLDER.

July 26, 2007

There was an article in the Chronicle’s business section a few days ago about the irritation and resentment expressed by Beatles fans annnoyed that “All You Need Is Love” is the theme music for a current TV commercial for Luvs, the Procter & Gamble disposable diapers. The idea that one of the Fab Four’s spiritual anthems, thematically speaking, is being used to pitch products designed to be shit in, seems to have offended some sensibilities out there.

It probably doesn’t help the mood of the offendees that Target stores are, coincidentally and simultaneously, running commercials whose theme music is the Beatles’ “Hello Goodbye,” despite the fact that there is no discernible connection, even of the poetic or metaphorical variety, that can be made between the song and the stores. Maybe Target got a deal on it from Sony and Michael Jackson, who jointly hold the publishing rights to the Beatles’ catalog. After all, what exactly would “Hello Goodbye” be appropriate for as theme music?

Well, yes, a dating service, and that brings us to today’s simple-minded premise: Which Beatles’ tunes–meaning those both written and performed by the boys–would lend themselves as theme music to which products or services?

And let’s get the whole Viagra/Cialis/Levitra gag line out of the way right up front. Choose your favorite of the following: All You Need Is Love…Come Together…A Hard Day’s Night…I’ve Got A Feeling…It Won’t Be Long…Please Please Me…Norwegian Wood…Why Don’t We Do It In The Road.

The observant reader will have already noticed that I am clearly working not from memory or off the top of my head, but from an alphabetical list of Beatles’ songs. You can do the same, of course; you can easily Google your way to any number of such lists.

Here, just to get you started, are far too many examples that occurred to yours truly.

All Things Must Pass — Citrucel
Act Naturally — The American Nudism Society
Baby You’re A Rich Man — BMW
Birthday — Hallmark
Can’t Buy Me Love — American Express
Carry That Weight — Lean Cuisine
Doctor Robert — Blue Cross
Day Tripper — Oxycontin
The End — Forest Lawn
Everybody’s Got Something To Hide ‘Cept For Me And My Monkey — Victoria’s Secret
Fixing A Hole — American Proctological Association
Fool On The Hill — George W. Bush Presidential Library
Got To Get You Into My Life — Army recruiting
Happiness Is A Warm Gun — National Rifle Association
Helter Skelter — Prozac
Help — American Red Cross
Here, There, And Everywhere — Starbucks
I Should Have Known Better — Barish Bail Bonds
I’ll Follow The Sun — Guam Tourism Bureau
I’m A Loser — Oakland Raiders
I’m Looking Through You — Windex
If I Fell — The Clapper
I’ve Just Seen A Face — Estee Lauder
Little Child — Gerber’s
A Long And Winding Road — AAA
Mean Mister Mustard — Oscar Meyer
Polythene Pam — Playboy
Run For Your Life — Heinz Baked Beans
I’m Down — AOL
Money — Charles Schwab
Taxman — H&R Block
When I’m Sixty-Four — Depends
She’s Leaving Home — Bekins
Strawberry Fields Forever — United Farmworkers
Ticket To Ride — BART
Within You, Without You — Vaseline
You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away — NAMBLA

The possibilities are almost endless; this is actually just a fraction of the Beatles’ torrential output, and I’m not even counting their post-breakup individual material.

Go ahead. Have fun with it.