Archive for November, 2007


November 18, 2007

Today’s first Item of Interest comes to us on News, and here it is in its entirety:

“Probation for cycle sex man
“A MAN caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years’ probation.
“Robert Stewart, 51, was caught in the act by two cleaners who walked into his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.”

The item does not go into further detail, which is probably just as well, although like (I assume) almost everyone else, I would be curious to know exactly how Mr. Stewart reckoned to accomplish this feat. Just the thought of what could go wrong due to mere proximity to the bicycle chain is more than enough to make me shudder. Not to mention the spokes.
I remember as a child hearing various dumb jokes involving the sniffing of girls’ bicycle seats. Maybe this is where that seemingly harmless act ultimately leads. Sniffing bike seats as Gateway Perv?
But the best part of the item, for me, was that just below the item text itself was the line, Related Topic. I chose not to scroll down further. If there are in fact topics that are related to men trying to pork bicycles (I believe the police refer to it as Schwinn schtupping), I don’t care to get involved with them.

Today’s second item comes to us from some McClatchy Newspaper reporters in Iraq, and recalls for us the wise observation of the noted sage, Rickey Nelson, to the effect that “You can’t please everybody.” In this case, the particularly displeased are the cemetery workers of Najaf, who are despondent over the recent decrease in wholesale slaughter in their community, which was good for some 6,500 burial gigs a month, but which has now plummeted to fewer than 4,000, and who the hell can afford the pilgrimage to Mecca, let alone a new Range Rover, on that kind of money? And don’t even bring the subject up at this year’s casket makers convention.

Today’s third item of interest comes to us from the world of science, specifically the University of Brussels biology department, where they have developed a robot cockroach so perfectly roachlike in design and behavior that it totally fools real roaches, who welcome it into the local roach community with open feelers. One’s first thought has to be: Pretty much just what the world needs–artificial roaches–because God knows nature wasn’t providing enough of them. Glad the Brussels bio labs didn’t piss away their time and grant money on, say, bladder cancer or stroke research. Presumably the long-hoped-for robot wharf rat is already on the drawing board. Actually, I’m mulling over the idea of a Terminator 4 screenplay, wherein all natural life forms have been wiped out and replaced by robot versions, and there’s a supernova that blasts the earth with radiation which completely destroys all electronic life forms. Except for the robot roaches, who inherit the earth. I bet Steven Speilberg would be interested.

And finally, a little joke…

By an astounding coincidence, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Dick Cheney all die of heart attacks on the same day, and find themselves in heaven, facing God on His celestial throne. “Tell me, each of you, what you have done to be granted entrance to my domain,” says the Almighty.
“I did my best to improve the lot of my fellow man, to extend brotherhood to all, and to use my power wisely,” says Clinton.
“You are welcome here. Come sit at my right hand,” says God, who then asks Gore, “And you?”
“I worked to preserve and protect the magnificent home you gave us with the planet earth, for the benefit of all your children,” says Gore.
“You are welcome here. Come sit at my left hand,” says God, who then asks Cheney, “And you?”
Cheney eyes God for a moment and then says, “You’re sitting in my chair.”