Archive for December, 2007

PUTTING THE “X” BACK IN CHRISTMAS

December 26, 2007

To mark the Christmas season, and to provide reason number 16,254 for my being sent to Hell, I offer the following list of items in or on which no one during the year 2007 reported seeing the image of Jesus. Or the virgin Mary. Or Elvis, for that matter.

Mosque
Manhole cover
Goodyear blimp
Cheerios box
Cheerio
Satellite dish
Falafel
Duck
Playboy cover
Humvee mudflap
Spinner rims
Casino chip
Chocolate chip
Rosie O’Donnell
Space shuttle
Toilet seat
Snowman
Horse shoe
Horse turd
Clam dip
Lobster bib
Britney Spears’ vagina

Happy Holidays!

NUTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS

December 20, 2007

Few things go together like Christmas and mental illness, and as a supposed writer of things amusing, I should have recognized and seized upon that truth and come up with something on the order of the following. It comes to us from Britain, and I ran across it on one of my trolling sites, probably Fark but possibly BoingBoing. In any case, here it is, verbatim as I found it:

A bad taste top ten of Christmas carols poking fun at mental illness has been slammed as “degrading” and “insensitive” after it was published with the backing of a social services department. The booklet contains a list titled “Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed”. It then names psychiatric conditions and suggests festive songs which would suit the illness. The magazine, called Marooned, is produced by users of the Cromwell House mental health facility in Eccles, Salford.
That unit is staffed by Salford Council care workers and others employed by the Bolton, Salford and Trafford Mental Health NHS Trust.

[[At this point, there is some copy enunciating some of the complaints lodged and some of the defenses offered. It’s not that interesting or unpredictable, so I’ll skip it and get right to the Good Stuff.]]

The ten Christmas Carols as featured in Marooned:
1. Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder – We Three Kings Disorientated Are
3. Dementia – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas
4. Narcissistic – Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic – Deck the Halls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…
6. Paranoid – Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder – Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder – Silent Night, Holy, ooh look at the froggy – Can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.

This is a classic example of what I call humor calisthenics; you begin with a ripe, sweet premise and then start turning the crank. The result, here and usually, is not thigh-slapping, but not at all bad. I don’t know where or how the Salford Council went about recruiting for their staff positions, but the people behind this are wasting their talent by wiping drool off chins and handing out crayons. They should be writing for the New Yorker, or at least the Letterman Show. I understand he’s actively looking, by the way.

A BIT OF IRONY FROM TODAY’S NEWS FOR YOU TO CHEW ON

December 9, 2007

Armin Meiwes is a fairly notorious German “gourmet cannibal”–I guess you’re supposed to envision a cross between James Beard and Anthony Hopkins (as Hannibal Lecter, not the old motorcycle racer)–who killed, cooked and ate some guy who actually gave Armin the go-ahead in advance to do so. That fact, alas, did not work well as a defense argument. According the the Daily Mail, Armin has now become a vegetarian in prison. Some attribute this to his having enthusiastically embraced the Green Party while in the joint. Then again, maybe it’s just a new twist on the old jailhouse saw that once you’ve had a man, you can never go back.