Archive for October, 2009

Understand, I’m implicitly assuming that you have absolutely nothing, I mean NOTHING better to do with your time than indulge this frivolity

October 23, 2009

 

 

Today’s Utterly Pointless Concept came to me, well, I’m not sure when.  It just manifested itself, like a weed through a crack in the patio concrete.  

 

The essential premise is:  Vocal duets that feature not only two singularly unlikely partners in song, but singing something thoroughly inappropriate for either of them individually, let alone together.  

Got it?  Swell!  Here are some ideas that occurred to me.  I’m sure you’ll be inspired to come up with just scads of your own!  So let’s go!!!!!

 

Fred Astaire and Willie Nelson; “(Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”

 

Janis Joplin and Josh Groban; “Alley Oop”

 

Frank Zappa and Ethel Merman; “Born On The Bayou”

 

Mel Torme and Helen Traubel; “Blue Suede Shoes”

 

Gene Autry and Otis Redding; “Pinball Wizard”

 

Billie Holliday and Johnny Cash; “Yellow Submarine”

 

Tom Waits and Tiny Tim; “Good Vibrations”

 

…well, as you can see, I’m rapidly running out of gas on this premise.  Time for us to get on with our lives.  Unless you care to add to the list.  Please, be my guest.  Without actually coming to stay in my home, that is. 

IF YOU THOUGHT THE CUBS WERE A DISASTER…

October 8, 2009

 

I’m sure you saw or heard about this: When the news came down that Chicago had been eliminated from consideration for the 2016 Olympics, a great cheer broke out among the staffers at the righty-whitey National Review, and was caught on videocam or iPhone or some other of the several billion ways you can film shit these days, and a great chorus of harrumphing and tsk-tsking ensued, but the fact is, the NR crowd was absolutely right, albeit for the wrong reason.  The wrong reason being that in some insignificant way it might briefly diminish the stature of Barak Obama which, by their standards, would render it downright patriotic. 

 

Then again, by NR standards,  even if the entire US population west of Terre Haute, Indiana had to die writhing with plague, their loss would be worth it if it meant the return of the House to the GOP.  But the fact is that had Chicago been chosen to host the 2016 Games, we would have borne witness to a cavalcade of news items so horrendous as to make the rest of America deny any knowledge of the Land o’ Lincoln.  

 

For openers, consider the Walk of Penance that non-citizens must endure at airport customs stations just to get into the US.  This was certainly on the minds of the folks on the IOC board that questioned the various reps of the various cities.  In case you hadn’t noticed, the Land of the Free has become the biggest pain in the ass to get into this side of Heaven itself.  

 

The TSA would make entry such hell for half the world’s athletes and their families and supporters that al Qaeda would probably collapse just trying to handle the tide of applicants.  Indeed, on any given day, several thousand native born American citizens, some of them second or more generation, give serious thought to becoming terrorists as a result of their experience at the hands of Homeland Security.  America would have emerged from the ordeal with an international black eye the size of Saturn’s third ring.  

 

Face it, if Chicago had won, so would the terrorists.  

 

Moreover, can you even begin to imagine the citywide spree of graft and embezzlement and corruption that would bloom in the legendarily loose-moraled Windy City given the Great Huge Tide Of Money that would flow within the reach of all manner of weasel life?

And the whipsong frolic that rightwing radio would have with this epic malfeasance?  And how long it their ranting would go on, even well after we were sick to the point of retching from it?  

 

 Not to mention the internecine firefights that would erupt during the planning and development of the Entire Chicago Olympic Infrastructure between, just to name one cage match, the environmentalists and the unions.  And wouldn’t that be a tonic for Demo Party unity?  And of course, Chicago is Barak’s home town, meaning its ineptitudes and excesses and extralegal activities would be by GOP extension his.  

 

And finally — although this may get the TSA somewhat off the hook —  what with the whole world watching, and all, every Islamist (or other) zealot and sociopath and religious fanatic and jihad wannabe with a death wish and a grudge would be drawn to Chicagoland like flies to a divorce lawyer, to the point that some tragically lethal occurrence would become damn near inevitable.  

 

 All in all, Chi town, you bettah awf.