ACTUAL FACT: THE NRA OWNS 61 % OF ALL SMITH & WESSON STOCK. OKAY, I MADE THAT UP, BUT STILL, IT’S TRUE IN THE SAME SENSE THAT BUSH BEAT GORE

There was another item in the press today about “angry gun owners demonstrating in front of the White House,” which caused me, as such headlines have been doing since late in the Clinton Administration, to ask myself, “What the hell are they so fucking angry about?  What’s their gripe?”  

Their gripe, as usual and of course, is the endless and ongoing assault on their rights as gun owners.  Which should confirm for even the most resolute doubters that these people are either delusional or homicidal or both.  

Reality:  The tide, both in public opinion and case law, has been running so strong in favor of gun ownership by anyone, wherever and whenever and under whatever conditions, that you’d think the entire country had morphed into Tombstone or Dodge City or Richmond.  

Gun owners have not enjoyed this much political clout or freedom to bear arms since Andrew Jackson was president.  And yet they gather, furious, waving their fists, which increasingly are clenched around high-caliber assault rifles, and rage about their lack of freedom.  Are you kidding?  Freedom to do what?  

And I think that that question right there is the key to something.  They are now free to possess all the guns they want, of almost any kind they want, at any time and in any place and with few if any restrictions or qualifications, and yet they are not satisfied.  What are they so pissed about?  Just this, I suspect:  They’ve got the guns, but they’re not using the guns.  They’re still not getting to actually shoot at anyone!  

I mean, come on.  What’s the good of freedom to bear arms if you can’t discharge those arms at somebody?  Certainly the Founding Fathers wouldn’t have devoted an entire goddam Amendment to the Constitution guaranteeing our right to pack heat if they didn’t intend for us to exercise it.  And how else does one do such exercising?  Obviously, by shooting whatever one perceives to be a threat to whatever one perceives to be America.  

I tell you, these freaking gun nuts are just waiting for the first opportunity to break out their firearms and slaughter the rest of us to the last soul.  Thank God it became clear to me in time.  Naturally, thus enlightened, I have armed myself to the teeth.  Let these Second Amendment fanatics do their worst.  Bring it on, gun nuts!  Can you say “bazooka”?  Habla war surplus?  I’m tanned, rested, locked and loaded!!

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