Archive for September, 2010

Planning to vote Republican? Wise Up, Moron! is just for you

September 23, 2010

Hey, you.

Hey…over here!

Hey!!

(Phweet!)

HEY!

Yes, you.

Over here.  Yes, here.  Jesus.

Now listen —

IS THIS YOU?

1. When making out a check, do you have a problem:

A)  Trying to write out the amount in longhand?

B)  Remembering how to make your signature?

C)  Drooling and smearing the ink?

D)  Using the wrong end of the pen?

2. The last time you paid cash for something, were you:

A)  Not given a receipt?

B)  Not given anything in return for your money?

C)  Unaware of it at the time?

D)  There?

3. Are your consumer buying patterns:

A)  Putting a local gypsy family’s kids through college?

B)  A source of great amusement to members of your county’s anti-fraud taskforce?

C)  An entire chapter in Bankruptcy For Dummies?

D)  News to you?

Yes?  Then it’s obvious that you need…

WISE UP, MORON!

The Buyer’s Guide For Imbeciles

 

WISE UP, MORON! is the money-mangement magazine for the consumer who has no business being allowed to even touch money, let alone spend or attempt to manage it!  We’re talking clinically certifiable idiot, here.  If that sounds like the mug in your mirror, then —

WISE UP, MORON! is just chock full of ingenious little money-saving tips, tricks, suggestions and ideas; the kind that you probably wouldn’t have stumbled over on your own in a thousand years.  

Here are just a few:

 

To save a bundle on energy costs, learn to work the on/off switches in your home!

–You can slice your car-insurance premiums almost in half just by not loaning your car keys to strangers you meet in the liquor store parking lot!

–Reduce the amount of wages you lose from being unable to work due to colds and flu simply by coming in out of the rain!

Cut your chances of being duped and hustled by sidewalk con artists by becoming a hermit!

Learn the insider’s secret of “sizes” to buy clothes that actually fit!

Enter the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes without buying any magazines!

Discover the harsh truth about “chain letters,” “meteorite insurance,” “swamis,” and more!

Can WISE UP, MORON! save you money and embarrassment?

YES — Faster than you can say “Huh? Wait–what?”

But don’t take our word for it…

Here are just a few of the grateful testimonials that pour into our WISE UP, MORON! offices every day!

“Now I get it!  The part where my arm bends is my elbow…and the part I sit on is my…  Boy, thanks a million for helping to clear that up!  No more unnecessary chiropractic bills for this dimwit!”  —  Emil Groot, Fiddle City, Calif.

“The many happy hours my boy Floyd has spent poring over your magazine have saved us considerable money already, inasmuch as this has kept him safe in the house.  We expect even greater savings in the happy event he learns to read.” — Bea Bopshebam, Oheo, Ohio.

“Thanks to you, I’m through buying Milk Duds, Raisinettes, Lifesavers and popcorn by-the-piece.  And I’m saving cash aplenty!  — Um, Give me a minute on this, Hereabouts, Kansas.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

Every minute that you delay is costing you — or the people or public agencies who are responsible for you — valuable money!

Mail this subscription form immediately!

Remember, there’s a time-share condo, a pyramid scheme, or a cell phone contract out there with your name on it!

SUBSCRIBE NOW!  And if, after the first three issues, you aren’t completely satisfied, it’s extremely unlikely that you’ll even realize it!

Fill Out And Mail This Handy Coupon!

 

/__/ I’m through being a chump!  Go ahead and send me 12 issues of WISE UP, MORON! for just $45, a 20 percent savings over the regular newsstand price of $3.50 per copy.

/__/ Wait a minute!  That’s not right, is it?  What’s 12 times $3.50?  Jeez, I’m an even bigger dipstick than I thought!  Better send me 24 issues for $104.00, plus your giant, fact-filled annual, OUR GIANT, FACT-FILLED ANNUAL.

/__/ Listen, I’m really confused now.  Why don’t you just send me magazines until I figure out what to do, and in the meantime, bill my court-appointed guardian.

NAME  (What people call you)

ADDRESS  (The place you live)

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CAPDASHING: REMEMBER, YOU READ IT HERE FIRST. ESPECIALLY IF I CAN COPYRIGHT IT.

September 7, 2010

 

It was “the R-word” that pushed me over the edge.  

Admittedly, I was pretty close to that edge already, given the accelerated rate at which verbal sensitivity was devouring the various letters of the alphabet.  But let’s begin at the beginning, which was with:

“The F-word” was, of course, the first and the granddaddy of the whole “X-word” tribe.  Just to be clear, the X in “X-word” doesn’t actually stand for any actual word beginning with X, unless xenophobia starts getting a lot more press and sociological leverage than it has now, so allow me to substitute for “X-word” a term that I just now made up, and hope to Trademark:   Capdashing.  

Capdashing, as I define it (and who better to do so), is the taking of an offensive word and replacing it with its initial letter, Capitalized, followed by a dash and the word “word.”

The reasoning behind capdashing “fuck” into “the F-word” was, presumably, that innocent little children would not see, and would thus be shielded from, the crudity in question.  Rather comically, this reasoning basically assumed that the same innocent little children would be perfectly satisfied with hearing and reading “F-word” and never even think to wonder what the F might stand for — children being, as we all know, just about the least curious creatures on the planet.

It is fitting that a the capdashing phenomenon, given such a moronic genesis, would promptly proceed to make a thorough ass of itself, following up the success of its F-word with a mad rush of other capdashes.  Given the initial emphasis on obscenity, the “F-word” was followed in kind, by the “C-word”, the C standing for a singularly vulgar slang term for either (a) the female genitalia or (b) one’s ex-wife, or (c) one’s ex-wife’s divorce lawyer, even if the lawyer in question was male.  In fact, especially.  

There was a halfhearted attempt to keep the momentum going in this vein, with the “B-word,” but it was just impossible to make a case for the capdashing of a word which, however sexist it might be, was not only used as an epithet with equal vim and frequency by both genders, but a word whose prohibition would make life nearly impossible for dog breeders and show judges.

Then, of course, capdashing moved to a whole new level: that of the personal affront.  Unlike the C- and F- words, which were capdashed largely out of deference to obscenity laws, “the N-word” was born of political, sociological and ideological considerations, along with a desire to avoid physical harm.  Or even worse, career harm.  

Consider the example of Ms. Laura Schlesinger (if you can’t write me a prescription, don’t expect me to call you Doctor), who is up to her stretchmarks in hot water, and deserves to be, having gone on the air and said not just “Nigger” but “Nigger nigger nigger,” and not just once, but several times, rather like the chorus of some deliriously vile Klan Anthem. 

Nonetheless, this entire sordid little episode brought back to me the words of the immortal Lenny Bruce, who did a whole bit on exactly this subject circa 1963, opening it with, “Are there any niggers here tonight?  Let’s see, yes, two niggers, over there.  And at this table, some spics.  Are there any kikes?  I’ll call your spics and raise you two kikes.  And there are six micks, and two chinks…”  

I’m paraphrasing by memory, and very raggedly, but I recall with icy clarity his point: That by prohibiting such racial slurs, you mystify and empower them, you sharpen their teeth and juice up their mojo, you enhance their ability to cause pain and rage, you effectively energize them.  Make any particular X-word commonplace, banal, a cliche, he insisted, and you neutralize it.  I like to think that he was right, but looking around, would hate to have to argue the point.  

In any case, the capdash phenomenon has now, as I noted in my opening line, also given us the R-word, which is not exactly a breakthrough neologism, given that there was a period a few years back when “R-word” was commonly used in the media in place of Recession.  But that’s not its primary designation today.  The word so offensive and insensitive that it must now be reduced to “R-word” status is:  Retard.

And that’s where I get off the politically correct bus.  Mind you, I can sympathize with those who consider “retard” to be demeaning when used with reference to someone with a clinical condition that renders them cognitively constrained compared to the general population, blah blah blah.  But it doesn’t rise to the level of obscenity or vicious slur or racist invective.  It may be impolitic, or insensitive, or tasteless, but it doesn’t really merit capdash treatment.

Plus, if you eliminate retard from the lexicon, how can historians even begin to discuss George W. Bush?

More to the point, if you knuckle under to the “R-word” purists, where does it end?  There are legions of minorities out there who believe themselves to be discriminated against simply by virtue of the words used to describe them.  How soon before “obese” is, in deference to the feelings of those who are, reduced to “the O-word?”  And what about Gays, for whom there are so many crude and capdash-worthy terms that you could wipe out a fifth of the alphabet?  Certainly they’ll have first claim on “the Q-word,” if they want it.

You could probably work your way right through the entire alphabet, coming up with a word for each letter that some thin-skinned and emotionally involved group would find offensive.  A-word?  Well, we all know what that one is, don’t we, even those of us who are A-‘s.  B and C we’ve accounted for.  D-word?  Think Rosie O’Donnell.  E-word?  Okay, we’ve got our crack researchers working on that one.  Stay tuned.  

Anyway, I think the point is well made.  All we’re doing is coming up with sanitized, socially acceptable ways in which to essentially say fuck and cunt and nigger and retard and evangelist and…

Hey!  There’s my e-word!

Well, I guess my work here is done.

Later, folks.

God Blast Us, Everyone

September 2, 2010

 

What follows, below, is a comment that was originally posted by somebody who signs himself Archie D., on the West Kentucky Star website, regarding an article in that paper about the town of Mayfield, KY refusing local Somalis permission to establish a mosque in an unoccupied strip mall building.  I found it enlightening and ultimately more than mildly amusing, and the handful of persons who visit my little blog might also find it so.  Here it is…

Islam is dangerous! Look at this intolerance in the Quran:

“He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto ALLAH only, he shall be utterly destroyed.”

“When ALLAH shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and hath cast out many nations before thee… And when ALLAH shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them… Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son… ye shall destroy their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire. For thou art an holy people unto ALLAH: ALLAH hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth.”

“Thou shalt fear ALLAH, and serve him, and shalt swear by his name… Ye shall not go after other gods, of the gods of the people which are round about you… (For ALLAH is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of ALLAH be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth.”

“…whosoever would not seek ALLAH should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.”

Can anyone deny that such a religion is bent on violent world domination?

Actually all of them are quotes from the Old Testament of the Bible, which is also the Torah. I just replaced the Lord and God references with Allah. There are plenty more where they came from.