Over here. Yes, here. Jesus.
Now listen —
IS THIS YOU?
1. When making out a check, do you have a problem:
A) Trying to write out the amount in longhand?
B) Remembering how to make your signature?
C) Drooling and smearing the ink?
D) Using the wrong end of the pen?
2. The last time you paid cash for something, were you:
A) Not given a receipt?
B) Not given anything in return for your money?
C) Unaware of it at the time?
3. Are your consumer buying patterns:
A) Putting a local gypsy family’s kids through college?
B) A source of great amusement to members of your county’s anti-fraud taskforce?
C) An entire chapter in Bankruptcy For Dummies?
D) News to you?
Yes? Then it’s obvious that you need…
WISE UP, MORON!
The Buyer’s Guide For Imbeciles
WISE UP, MORON! is the money-mangement magazine for the consumer who has no business being allowed to even touch money, let alone spend or attempt to manage it! We’re talking clinically certifiable idiot, here. If that sounds like the mug in your mirror, then —
WISE UP, MORON! is just chock full of ingenious little money-saving tips, tricks, suggestions and ideas; the kind that you probably wouldn’t have stumbled over on your own in a thousand years.
Here are just a few:
–To save a bundle on energy costs, learn to work the on/off switches in your home!
–You can slice your car-insurance premiums almost in half just by not loaning your car keys to strangers you meet in the liquor store parking lot!
–Reduce the amount of wages you lose from being unable to work due to colds and flu simply by coming in out of the rain!
–Cut your chances of being duped and hustled by sidewalk con artists by becoming a hermit!
–Learn the insider’s secret of “sizes” to buy clothes that actually fit!
–Enter the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes without buying any magazines!
–Discover the harsh truth about “chain letters,” “meteorite insurance,” “swamis,” and more!
Can WISE UP, MORON! save you money and embarrassment?
YES — Faster than you can say “Huh? Wait–what?”
But don’t take our word for it…
Here are just a few of the grateful testimonials that pour into our WISE UP, MORON! offices every day!
“Now I get it! The part where my arm bends is my elbow…and the part I sit on is my… Boy, thanks a million for helping to clear that up! No more unnecessary chiropractic bills for this dimwit!” — Emil Groot, Fiddle City, Calif.
“The many happy hours my boy Floyd has spent poring over your magazine have saved us considerable money already, inasmuch as this has kept him safe in the house. We expect even greater savings in the happy event he learns to read.” — Bea Bopshebam, Oheo, Ohio.
“Thanks to you, I’m through buying Milk Duds, Raisinettes, Lifesavers and popcorn by-the-piece. And I’m saving cash aplenty! — Um, Give me a minute on this, Hereabouts, Kansas.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???
Every minute that you delay is costing you — or the people or public agencies who are responsible for you — valuable money!
Mail this subscription form immediately!
Remember, there’s a time-share condo, a pyramid scheme, or a cell phone contract out there with your name on it!
SUBSCRIBE NOW! And if, after the first three issues, you aren’t completely satisfied, it’s extremely unlikely that you’ll even realize it!
Fill Out And Mail This Handy Coupon!
/__/ I’m through being a chump! Go ahead and send me 12 issues of WISE UP, MORON! for just $45, a 20 percent savings over the regular newsstand price of $3.50 per copy.
/__/ Wait a minute! That’s not right, is it? What’s 12 times $3.50? Jeez, I’m an even bigger dipstick than I thought! Better send me 24 issues for $104.00, plus your giant, fact-filled annual, OUR GIANT, FACT-FILLED ANNUAL.
/__/ Listen, I’m really confused now. Why don’t you just send me magazines until I figure out what to do, and in the meantime, bill my court-appointed guardian.
NAME (What people call you)
ADDRESS (The place you live)